READ THIS: YOU WILL NEVER BUY A SMOOTHIE AGAIN| FINISHED

Actually…you might. But what you are about to engage in is HIGHLY traumatic, unbelievably law-conflicting and most of all- DAMN RIGHT (C)RUDE.

According to every school kids best friend (i.e. the Googlesverse), a smoothie can be one of two things:

The what they called ‘smoothie‘ I was landed so gracefully with was the polar opposite. It is from here I shall elaborate, much to the delight of the many millions of (non-existent) loyal readers I currently do(n’t) have:

When I- or any other human with a wee dramy of sanity- think: smoothie, we think of a SMOOTHie. This means:

  • Something which can be vaguely described as SMOOTH– no lumps of crud and general litter making a neat little pile for collection at the bottom of the glass.
  • A beverage with FRUITREAL fruit blended into the concoction. Not some powder mix ‘mix your own banana’ type gizmo.
  • Actual CONSUMABLE liquid, as oppose to 3/4 OF A GLASS OF FRUIT FLAVOURED FOAM
  • Something served in a sleek glass- not A GLASS WHICH IS HALF FULL OF YET MORE GLASS WITH A LITTLE LIQUID SQUEEZED INTO WHAT ROOM IS LEFT INSIDE THE TRAY OF A GLASS
  • SMOOTH (again) appearance- a smoothie shouldn’t look like it has travelled the human body’s digestive system and back in 20 minutes alongside a fish dish and a bundle of carrots. A SMOOTHIE should be SMOOTH. I know. Revelation of the century award winner.
  • Last of all, if one is given a picture of what they are to order, it should perhaps maybe even SLIGHTLY RESEMBLE THE GOD-LIKE PICTURE and not some dressed down, Sunday fevered, devil of a creation version which was made 20 years before dinosaurs first roamed the earth. Get my point? Maybe I should elaborate, or maybe even exaggerate a bit?
  • Last last of all: A typically healthy fruity cocktail type substance costing a notch above the cost to make the beverage ones self. This means: LESS EXPENSIVE THAN ALCOHOL. AT WHAT POINT DID PROMOTING HEALTHY EATING MEAN A FRUIT DRINK COSTS £1002 MORE THAN A PINT OF BEER?

I’m totally (un)sure the world will agree with me on this one. But the general jolly jist of it is: I shall be writing a glowing letter of hatred to the delightful bar from which I obtained my unforgettable substance immediately.

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If you have by some extraordinary means of humanity managed to drag your eyes to register my droning tones down to this point you are: (1) some super-human treasure of a creation, (2) unbelievably tolerable, (3) very thanked by me. You have saved my life. Well my online life. Well you just are, aren’t you. Yes. Good.

But seriously, thank you (non-existent person) for forcing yourself to read my droning mumbles. I hope it gave you some sort of distant happiness? Not the right time. Sorry. I’m leaving.

Thank you,

Sx.

(^Totally overly formal ending I will use for my first job application. Totally.)

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